TOO SHY TO SCREAM, open

[rowan erika diamante.]

asprin, like fuck did she need asprin. clutching her head, some charitable so and so had offered her the pills, they looked rather unappealing considering they didn’t have the normal smiley faces that adorned any pill she would take. she needed something that worked better than a pain killer, her headache had stemmed from this place, she had been here just a short time yet she was already tired of it, tired of the constant effort. it was much easier being homeless. staring at the mirror, she stared at like it was a piece of shit for making her look so bloody terrible, she had never seen her eyes so sunken and lifeless, never seen her skin so pale and fragile. honestly, she had probably looked like this for a while but she had made a conscious effort not to own a mirror. leaning closer she peered at herself and then slowly glanced down to the asprin in her hand. allowing them to drop to the floor, even the pathetically small sound of the painkillers dropping to the floor seemed to echo. everything about this place was shit. for about ten minutes her lethargic form stood perfectly silent, her head dropped as she just peered down at the place where the pills had landed. after the drawn out silence had passed she sighed, such a pathetic sigh it wouldn’t have been hard to picture someone digging out her soul and swallowing it. someone was walking around with two soul and she just had the one? well that was hardly fair. with her mind wandering she moved from her place, rowan had been in a state of half dressed for quite some time now and decided to finally finish the process of getting dressed.

her slender form clad in a worn out blondie shirt she tugged a pair of jeans on. i say jeans, strictly speaking they would probably just be classed as material by now, the knees were broken in and there were countless small tears revealing the odd speck of flesh throughout. honestly though she didn’t care, she couldn’t care. none of her clothes were in much better condition and she just looked like one of those kids who maybe tried a little hard, the ones who wore vintage shirts and torn jeans to make a statement and be cool. this however wasn’t an attempt to be cool, instead her jeans were worn because she wore them so fucking much and her shirt had been in her possession since the age of fourteen. a little short, it showed a strip of pale flesh on her abdomen but she had clearly grown very little over the past few years. stretching out her delicate frame she was almost surprised she hadn’t withered into dust yet, though she was already getting settled, she didn’t have the stomach to eat an entire meal and instead just picked to keep her body for complaining at her with threatening groans. she didn’t yet trust the food and she was paranoid as hell that someone would make an attempt to poison her, hopefully she could just remain herself with little to no charisma and blend in with the furniture.

unfortunately half the time, her want for solitude got her the exact opposite, attention. she must have looked pathetic, like those loners on the playground who got bombarded by teachers trying to be all nice and comforting. it was the same thing, pity, she didn’t want company though, she would quite gladly be willing for the vast majority of these people to fuck off and die. her head dropped forward, fingers tugged into her messy brown hair as if threatening to tear it from her scalp. everything seemed to be trying to make her brain blow out of her skull, even hew own irritating thoughts. she needed freedom from the room, maybe not being absolutely alone would help or just being alone in another room. padding out of her room it wasn’t long before she had to jump backwards with a hiss and a glare at her attacker. “ah fuck.” the girl mumbled between clenched teeth as she glanced down, no wonder someone standing on her foot had caused such a reaction, she had forgotten her shoes. really? she was lead to believe only those who were pretty far gone in the insane department did that though apparently she was also equipped with that skill. that didn’t seem to be very promising for her now did it?

careful so she didn’t allow anyone careless idiots to wander across her feet again, she made her way out of the halls, clearly what she didn’t need to calm her down was the flurry of people in the hallways. instead she pushed open the door to the parlour, she couldn’t contain the slight smile that formed on her pale features as she found it deserted. everyone else must have been getting breakfast…or supper even, she was beyond knowing what time it was. slumping onto a large couch it was far too tempting not to lye down, sprawling comfortably across it, it certainly beat her bed and the different surroundings did her a world of good. rowan could quite comfortably survive on her own, just so long as she had a change of surroundings to keep her from going nuts. Her eyes closed and one hand was drawn into her hair partially. her fingers gripping at loose stands and tugging them down to allow her palm to comfortably cover her eyes. it successfully blocked out all light from the room and oddly enough calmed her, relaxed her. as her top had risen with her lack of care in sitting, her spare hand idly sat against her care stomach whilst a finger idly ran circles around the edge of her belly button. it was only as she heard the sound of the door open did her movements stop, her hand lay flat whilst the other withdrew from her hair to allow her gaze to stare at the ceiling. maybe her currently indivisible company would keep to themselves if she made no eye contact…or at least she could hope her lack of social skills would help to scare them off.

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[sadie lucille upson.]

but this is reality
and it sucks.

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Sadie yanked the door open and blindly stumbled into the room, barely shutting the door behind her before she promptly dropped to all fours and vomited on the floor.

This continued for a few minutes, until finally she shuffled away from the mess and flopped onto her side. Bringing a shaky hand to her face, she wiped her eyes and mouth, and then curled back into a ball. Her whole body was a shivering, sweaty mess, and cramps insistently travelled through muscles while her bones ached under hypersensitive skin.

If she were to give her current situation an overall rating, she’d give it a ‘this fucking sucks.’

When Sadie first arrived, she was many things -confused, of course being at the top of that list- but none of them were happy. Mainly, she was anxious. After all, the chance of a group of anti-bad behaviour assholes leaving them illegal drugs? Beyond highly unlikely.
Which meant the place was probably dry.
Which meant she was doomed to the next few weeks being some of the worst of her life as her body battled it out with withdrawal.

Ugh, why did I have to choose the more addictive drugs? Whyyyy?, Sadie thought despairingly. Well, at least I didn’t do crack. That’s one less thing to worry about. [/I]

Smiling dryly, she finally pushed herself up and, with the help of the side of a couch, sat up unsteadily and finally looked around the room. It appeared she was in a living room, if the couches and TV -Oh how they’ve spoiled us!- said anything.

There was also another girl.

Well, that’s embarrassing,[/color] Sadie thought, looking over at her pile of puke -How’d I throw up so much? I couldn’t have eaten that much, could I? Oh God…well, now I’m glad for withdrawal! If I hadn’t thrown that up I’d be so fat tomorrow. Ew. Forget that and think happy thoughts!- then back at the girl. Taking in her beaten up clothes and thin, slightly worn-down body, Sadie guessed that this girl probably had a lifestyle quite akin to her own, and therefore couldn’t really judge her (saying she was at all). Even though Sadie never really cared about what strangers thought of her, she still felt her body relax a little; she hadn’t even noticed herself tense up in the first place, and blamed her subconscious for being weak.
Still, she acknowledged that it was nice to have something –well, someone- familiar around in this new, intimidating place. So far, things were ok, but she could just feel that, probably very soon, shit was going down.

Shaking her head of these thoughts, Sadie finally addressed the other girl.

“Sorry about that,” she said, her voice still slightly rough from throwing up, and tipped her head towards the mess. “It’s been a rough while, eh? I hear a couple people have already fried their dumb asses on the fence –in a way, I don’t blame them. This sucks gigantic cock.”[/size]

[rowan erika diamante.]

rowan had a pretty strong stomach however there were a few sounds that made it lurch and her stomach seemed to have it’s just cut out for it as it tried to hold it’s contents down. the sound of someone throwing their guts up make her stomach clench and what little it help in it rise. closing her eyes for a moment, her hand silently gripped at her abdomen trying to physically force it to stop being an ass. blood she could deal with, most other things that were considered absolutely horrific she was fine about yet sick always got to her. rowan would struggle whenever sick or whenever so far gone her body knew it should probably rid itself of it’s toxic contents, she would struggle to hold it down. when her newest company and the person who had very almost made her throw up spoke to her, ro took it upon herself to at least sit up. It was probably a little more polite considering the circumstances. despite her lack of social skills she always made attempts to not be blatantly rude, even if she didn’t want the intrusion she would at least be civil. of course if she disliked a person then it was a whole other story but this girl had done absolutely nothing she objected against yet so she felt the need to at least be nice. sure, she could have held the performance against her but chucking up was hardly offensive, she probably wasn’t aware of the senility of rowan’s stomach.

straining to glance casually over the arm of the couch she silently viewed the mess the girl had created and her nose wrinkled lightly in dislike. lucky she was far enough away for the smell to avoid her nostrils, as long as she couldn’t smell it she was pretty safe from having a more dramatic reaction. instead she turned back to look at the intruder, her gaze curious yet she didn’t say anything just yet. the other girl appeared young though one feature was probably the cause of that, her eyes, she looked almost doll like in a rather sweet way however sported quite a similar attire to herself, it just screamed bum. it actually made her smile ever so slightly, the expression tugging just lightly against her pale features. “it could probably be worse…” her attempt at sympathy of maybe even optimism? clearly she wasn’t used to saying such things, it even sounded pained as it came out though that was simply because she had yet to form a decent sentence all day. when silent for such lengths of time as rowan face her vocals at times seemed to forget how to function properly and she sounded just as hoarse as her company though she had no good reason for it.

she bit her bottom lip rather awkwardly, if this was her attempt at being friendly then it just fucking sucked. For once she felt like she needed someone to keep her company, it would keep her mind wandering as it had been doing rather too frequently. she would be reminded of the image of her deceased friend, of those who left her to rot in this shit hole and it would hurt; hurt like a bitch. another person was what she needed for distraction. she didn’t quite know how to word what she was trying to say without being rude, the girl seemed to have been suffering withdrawal symptoms, her pale as hell skin seemed to only back up her theory that this girl probably shared one or two similar interests as rowan. rowan though wasn’t an addict, she would swear by that although she knew one or two people who would argue that point. sure, she did drugs more frequently than they had but that didn’t make her any more addicted than they. it was a form of escapism and rowan was a victim to her own thoughts, her own memories, she needed that comfortable wasted feeling now more than ever. “you know…i think you can get some stuff from around here somewhere, i’ve seen people around here that are clearly off their faces on something.”

it was more than she had said to anyone in a long while but apparently her want for drugs was making her more social. they were like her comfort blanket and since she had nobody close to her here she could hardly seek out a comforting hug without getting stabbed in the back. there was a long list of things she did to ease anxieties, drugs just seemed the least personal and easiest to obtain without emotional commitment. rowan had yet to discover where these people got their supplies, she hardly had contact though maybe she could rely on someone a little more socially skilled to take care of it for that. that was pretty much it, all she could think of saying to this other figure. she did though shuffle into the corner of the couch, clearly creating more room to allow the other girl to sit down if she chose. Rowan could be pretty decent at times though she had a slightly more mute way of being friendly, it was more a case of her gestures. drawing her knees to her chest, she gently propped her chin against her knees, a rather withdrawn posture she almost always adopted around other people. she had gone from a rather outgoing and outspoken individual to a pathetic outline of her former self and it even insulted and infuriated her, the way she was.

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[sadie lucille upson.]

but this is reality
and it sucks.

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Sadie snorted derisively and, her voice full of forlorn amusement, said, “True. It could be raining.”

She stared off into space for a moment, then thoughtfully added, “No better how bad it is, it could be worse. It’s funny how whenever people use that expression, it’s not as inspiring as it’s meant to be.”

Giving the girl a small grin, she tipped her head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling. She had been slightly surprised by the girl’s raspy voice; she had expected it to be…well, smoother. Quiet, but smooth. Instead, it sounded like the girl had almost forgotten how to speak.

Though if her voice is naturally like this, she’d probably rock the shit out of a Janice Joplin song. That’d be pretty awesome.

An image flashed through her mind of the girl going into the middle of all the other delinquents and singing Piece of my Heart while wearing full hippie attire, and she had to hold in a laugh to keep from looking crazy. Once she felt she could keep a straight face, Sadie flopped her head to the side so she could study the girl.

While the girl’s clothing said ‘I don’t give a fuck what you think’ (and Sadie was sure if she had just bumped into this girl on the street, she’d receive that attitude from her too), her body language was telling Sadie the opposite. She felt a slight pang of sympathy in her chest as she watched the girl sit like she was using her body as a shield while biting her lip in what Sadie assumed was a nervous manner.

Something tells me social situations aren’t her strong point…[/I]

It took all of her willpower not to give the girl a hug.

Right as the other girl spoke, a particularly painful cramp shot up her back, and she clenched her teeth to keep from groaning. Taking a couple deep breaths through her nose, Sadie once again looked up at the girl, just in time to see her scoot over and make more space on the couch. Giving the girl a large, grateful smile, Sadie slowly got up. For a moment she had to lean her full weight on the couch, as every movement seemed to be giving her head rush, making it increasingly hard for her to even stay on her feet. Once the world came back to her, she dropped onto the couch and curled her side into the back cushion and leaned her back on the armrest, leaving her face squished awkwardly (but comfortably) into the back cushion so that she could only see out one eye.

Smiling contently at no longer having her bony ass digging into the hard floor, Sadie decided that while the girl may not be social, she was still friendly.

Actions speak louder than words –now that’s a good expression,[/color] she thought, this time actually letting out a small bark of laughter.

“Thanks lovely. No matter how many times I’ve passed out on floors, I still can’t seem to find them comfy,” Sadie said, giving the girl a ‘you-know-what-I’m-saying’ grin. “And yeah, I've noticed some off-their-faces people too, but I doubt they'll be willing to share. After all, the well will be dry soon for them too. Oh, and I’m Sadie, by the way. I don’t think I told you that yet…and have you told me your name? I don’t think you have, but if you have then excuse my bad memory and please repeat it to me.”



((Btw, is my font too hard to read? I personally see brighter/lighter colours a little easier than most, so I just want to check and make sure they're not raping your eyes.)) [/size]

[rowan erika diamante.]

her comment was certainly not one she said in hopes of being the cause of inspiration, in fact it was just a comment to make her give the impression of being a little more friendly than she was. most of the time she completely avoided social interactions that made her awkward which was pretty much anything. she wasn’t made to be a social creature and was a definite loner from birth however loners seemed to attract attention from people, most generally thought aw, look at the lonely loner over there, i shall keep them company because of course that is what every loner wants!. clearly she didn’t think these people to have such a brilliant iq, in fact they even sounded like they lacked intellect when she mocked them in her head. Her current company however was exempt for the reason alone that she seemed to stumble into the room just to barf, it was a chance meeting and one she would just have to cope with. forced into being friendly to other people she didn’t do too badly, though she would stumble a little and probably appear quite terrified at times, they didn’t actually scare her. she just reacted in the same way for both fear and awkward tension. Both made her curl into herself and avoid eye contact, both made her slightly clammy and both made her nervous as hell. It was kind of funny really, something - or someone rather - that looked so harmless could scare the shit out of her yet it was more fear over interacting with her. one that she would just have to overcome.

well, she wasn’t expecting for her to run off and find something to share that moment yet she had hoped for a little more enthusiasm. getting someone to be a rather handy middle man would make it so much easier on herself. one sort of person she found it rather easy to interact with was a dealer or at least someone who she knew was going to give her something in return. you would have never thought that such an introvert could have made a decent amount of cash being a prostitute for a short time but hell, as long as she was getting money for it she was quite comfortable being around complete strangers. and not the nicest of people for that matter. everything was based around quite a selfish structure, especially now she had grown even more reluctant to make friends or almost anything else for that matter. rowan was far more skilled at making enemies and forming short lived flings, when it came to those she didn’t like she could get quite stubborn and bitchy, snide comments and sarcasm were at the top of her list and maybe, just maybe she would be able to stretch to violence if they pissed her off enough. recently though rowan had become a lot easier to anger, she was constantly on edge and ready to claw someone’s eyes out if the need hit her.

she laughed and now getting more used to her own brilliant ability to form words her voice seemed to smooth out a little and get rid of most of it’s grogginess. she smiled just subtly, as if either too lazy or too cautious to allow the other girl to see a full grin. “rowan.” she felt pretty crappy next to this rather talkative female, her enthusiasm was rather sweet though how someone found such spirit in a shit hole like this was beyond her. ro wasn’t about to start moaning like far too many did about how horrible this place was and like hell was she going to make it easy on herself and cut her life short. this annoyance, this self loathing she had developed for herself was just about the only thing keeping her alive, funny that, you would have thought someone who disliked themselves to a degree would be the first to throw themselves off a roof but she didn’t…just to spite herself. rubbing her own nose in the fact that she had ended up here was quite a time consuming hobby and one that quite coincidentally left her with little time to go out and made some good old buddies. who would want to be friends with someone who didn’t even like themselves? she had never liked herself however the old rowan was in a much more attractive light now she had turned into this washed out loser who didn’t like people.

she pursed her lips, watching the girl and increasing curious as to how she could it in such a way and yet appear perfectly comfortable. to gain some comfort herself, rowan rested her chin against her knees however that allowed several strands of hair to fall past her face and create and obstruction in her sight. now the girl opposite to her appeared to have dark, blurred lines across her face. instead of moving them, her hands were otherwise occupied locked around her knees and she instead used the cover to allow herself to look away and down at her own form. she racked her brains for something to say and yet she drew a blank unable to form words like her mouth had suddenly clamped itself shut in want of a bit of silence from her own chatter. yep, she had barley said an entire sentence yet she had convinced herself that she had speaking far too much, it was more than normal and more than she was used to. Instead she just glanced up at sadie. grey eyes almost apologetic in her lack of friendly chat however the pitiful expression somewhat masked thankfully by her hair.

(ah nah, it's actually quite easy on the eyes as far as i'm concerned.)

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[sadie lucille upson.]

but this is reality
and it sucks.

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Sadie was delightfully surprised when the other girl actually laughed, and she smiled widely at it. She had been afraid the girl was the type to never express her inner happy -or worse, that she didn’t have an inner happy. When the girl said her name, Sadie was pleased to hear that her voice –Rowan’s voice- was smoothing out.

By the time I’m done with her, she’ll have a wonderfully clear voice and will be willingly talking! Sadie thought determinedly, mentally adding an evil laugh and evil hand-rubbing onto the thought.

Out loud, she just grinned encouragingly and earnestly said, “Rowan? Really? That’s such a cool name. Not to mention uncommon -I love weird, old and uncommon names by the way- and not in a song.” Now her tone became slightly exasperated, though her grin continued because, despite them being annoying occurrences at the time, she couldn’t help reminisce over all the people she wouldn’t see again. It may be hard to believe, but it’s actually possible to become sick of a Beatles song. Honestly, the amount of times people hear my name and start singing Sexy Sadie. Not to mention the number of people who give me that nickname and then act like they’re so original. Like, really? You think you’re the only one who made that connection? Fuck off.”

She laughed, though she felt tears prickle at the corners of her eyes. It hurt to know that she probably wouldn’t see any of them again. It also hurt that most of them weren’t in here with her. After all, a lot of them had done worse than she had.

But they weren’t stupid enough to get caught as much as I did. I’m so stupid for being careless…but then again, I stopped really having a reason to care when Daddy stopped caring. But now…now I’ve got to put on my big girl pants, ‘cause if I don’t I’m fucked. And my first step will be to beat this stupid withdrawal –it shouldn’t even exist anyways; it’s not like I was an addict- and then, when I feel a little better, I’ll get back into exercising.

Nodding her head to herself in determination, she forced herself to not let any tears fall, and pretended to rub at her eyes in exhaustion to get rid of the ones that had collected there. To distract herself, she looked over at Rowan, who had now changed her position so that her face was partially hidden by her hair, though Sadie could still see her eyes that appeared to be staring up at her.

Even though I know it’s annoying to have people sing at you, I wish your name was Prudence so I could ask you to come out and play, Sadie thought ruefully. Instead, she wracked her mind for something to say. It wasn’t easy since her muscles continued to cramp, and though her comfy position helped alleviate some of her nausea and bone ache, she was still feeling like a gerbil in a speed bag. Without the constant focus of talking and serious thinking, she was no longer distracted from this feeling, and her thoughts kept getting washed away in pain and discomfort. Grimacing, she let at a small whimper, but tried to disguise it with the first thing that came to her mind. Though, as soon as it was out of her mouth, she mentally berated herself for being prying and insensitive.

“So, um…why are you here?